Living Rarefied

experiencing some brokenness in my YL friends. I am trying to remember what its like to be a HS kid. What is the most important thing to somebody that age… What gets them upset, sad, happy, pumped up? What are the triggers?

• If a girl or guy doesn't see you the way you want them to see you, is that a big deal? YES
• If you don't get into the college you needed to get into, is that a big deal? YES
• If somebody else gets the same new phone you just got from your parents and the 2 of you are the only ones with it, is that a big deal? YES
• If you don't make varsity sports, is that a big deal? YES
• If you don't get all of your school work done, is that a big deal? YES
• If you get dumped by somebody you've dated for a week, is that a big deal? YES
• If you don't feel loved by parents, is that a big deal? YES
• If you don't feel loved by friends, is that a big deal? YES
• If you don't feel loved by anybody, is that a big deal? YES
• If somebody gossips about you untruthfully, is that a big deal? YES
• If a friend at school has committed suicide, is that a big deal? YES
• If friends at school or online talk about committing suicide and wanting life to be done, is that a big deal? YES
• If somebody thinks you are not smart when you believe that you are, is that a big deal? YES
• If somebody thinks you are ugly when you believe that you are attractive, is that a big deal? YES
• If somebody wont be sexually active with you, is that a big deal? YES
• If you wont be sexually active with anybody, is that a big deal? YES
• If you drive a car that isn't cool, is that a big deal? YES
• If you don't have a car, is that a big deal? YES
• If you don't have your license, is that a big deal? YES
• If your parents don't pay attention to your life except that you don't get in trouble and get your homework done, is that a big deal? YES
• If you get an A on a huge paper that you worked hard on, is that a big deal? YES
• If a new kid comes to school and is instantly more popular than you, is that a big deal? YES
• If you are struggling with drugs/alcohol but nobody knows, is that a big deal? YES
• If your spring break plans aren't the best, is that a big deal? YES

If you think life sucks, is that a big deal? YES!!!

I see so much lack of hope that comes from lack of affirmation. Lack of people telling you that you are worth something more than not getting in trouble, and getting your homework done on time and studying for tests and making the varsity teams. If kids don't hear that, what hope do they have? Even if you believe you are doing the best you can, somebody else is always going to tell you that you aren't and you will end up believing them instead of yourself. The list above is something I threw together in a few minutes, but I believe it doesn't even scratch the surface of the thoughts and pressures that are keeping our HS friends down.

I see some parents loving their kids in ways I am not sure is love. I don't have any research on this, but i would bet a lot of my money that if you asked every parent at any HS how they love their kids. Quite a few might say, 'I bought them a car', or 'I give them everything they want/need'. It would be scary to think that those types of responses might outnumber responses like 'I love them by spending time with them' or by 'dropping anything else I am doing if they need me for something' or 'by not giving them everything they want'.

I am not a parent, I am not claiming to know how to be a parent. But I do know that something is missing in a lot of kids lives. Affirmation, love and presence from parents and friends. I wish i had the resources to conduct a big survey with kids to ask them how they want to be loved by their parents.. and how they feel their parents are loving them currently. What if students were able to tell their parents how they wanted to be loved?

What if a parent worked 80 hour weeks and traveled a lot to make money for his/her family and give their family security in the financial realm. But their kids didn't care about that and only wanted their mom or dad to come to a sporting event of theirs, or to say 'I love you where you are at, I am glad you tried your best'.

I am all about honesty and open-communication. I think it would be amazing if it were commonplace for parents to ask their kids how they want to be loved, and kids to ask their parents how they want to be loved. We're all different and one method won't provide the love the world needs…

I believe the most important question we can ask each day is this.

HOW CAN WE LOVE KIDS BETTER???

Ethan Surprise Me

They sound like opposites right?  I argue they are closer than it seems.

I have seen that the root of people who say "oh, I'm a people pleaser" are actually very selfish and when it comes down to it, don't do the pleasing they say they do.

When you commit to everything under the sun, it sounds like you are trying to please others with your time, but in reality you are making less and less time available for those things.  So you end up making a lot of empty promises.

Example:  I formed a support team for my church, so that after the service, we take all the items used in the service, (stage, candles, curtains, clean up the pews, etc.) its about an hour of work after the service, 2 sundays every 6 weeks.  Not a huge committment.  A few of us were talking about doing this team together, so I organized it.  Some other people caught wind of the group that was formed (they hadn't been contacted about joining the group because we had a set team, and nobody else expressed interest about it).  People started talking, not to me, but to others about how they felt left out of the loop on the deal.  I didn't feel too bad about the fact that they were possibly upset with me.  If you have a bone to pick, pick it… Don't talk about having a bone to pick.

I sent out an email to a larger group of people, including those who felt left out… Response.. Nothing.. Actually 2 people lessened their committments who were already signed up.

Next time somebody tells me they are a people pleaser, I am going to ask them why they say that and then follow up with my assumption that they probably end up making a lot of empty promises, find themselves stretched too thin, not enough time to more things that are healthy for your body/mind than not, and in the end just end up pleasing themselves.

My hope is that people prove me wrong.  I haven't seen many lately that are trying to prove me wrong.  If you please people, I have nothing against you, but i think your priorities are off.. You should first please God (which doesnt affect his love for you), please yourself and your needs.  Others will be pleased if you focus on those 2 things.  And you'll find life isn't as intense/crazy difficult to manage.  The things you do will be of worth, you might be happier & you wont have Ethan calling you out all the time.

Ethan Community, Surprise Me

I am in shock with the amount of masks kids put on.  I knew there were a few each kid had. But this last week in Colorado has shown me they have closets and closets full of masks to hide behind.

We took a few of these masks away during the week of camp, iPods, cellphones, PSPs, etc.   The whole bus ride out to camp, was fighting, bickering, just unhappy people exchanging words between txt msgs or songs.  Upon reaching the camp, we collected each of them.  Or attempted to.  Kids are stashing them in each others bags to hide them away cause they need them so bad.

Once they were free from the thought of not getting them back until the trip home, they actually began to experience each other.  The 33 students who were cliqued up in the bus all actually got to know each other for who they are and not for the fact they were being too loud and having that define the person.
Could you imagine a camp with kids walking around with earbuds in and text-messaging all day with no real conversations?  Kinda sounds like it is in their real world.
Sad note.. As soon as the electronics were passed back.  Almost instantly they reverted back to fighting about seats, about txt messages that so and so sent them while they were gone and how they got screwed becuase they couldn't response.  We didnt let them recharge anything.. So once they died out.. Real conversations were had…

Ethan Feeling, Surprise Me

I hope you've seen then new VW Passat commercial.  It shows a couple driving through town and as they pass other cars of the "luxury" variety the drivers are all heads out the window with a megaphone chanting phrases.  On is of a blond woman in a convertible, claiming that if people look at her it gives her worth.  Another is a man yelling out "because I make more money than you, because I make more money than you, because I make more money than you…"  Over and over.  And the last is a guy in a red Viper saying "because I am overcompensating for something, because I am overcompensating for something, because I am overcompensating for something…"

I love this commercial because it is so true.  But about 3 times a year I get all worked up about getting a newer/cooler car than my 99 Passat.  My car works fine, gets great mileage, is in 1 piece, never a hassle, always reliable…  Now something is telling me that the Passat isn't cutting it for me anymore, something inside me wants to scream out through a megaphone and that megaphone maybe a new car…

I ran into a friend from HS who I haven't seen in 8 years… His 3 questions were, where do you live, where do you work and are you still playing a lot of golf…  I think the 1st 2 questions were to measure up.  Size Ethan up, how's he doing.  And the last question must just be what people think of me as.  I run into countless people who associate me with golf and thats it.  "Ethan? oh he's the golfer…"  I am passionate about golf, but it doesn't even begin to define me, especially these days…
As I prepare to head back to El Salvador in July, I am pondering these items as to what exactly am I screaming through my megaphone.  I think the things that we scream through the megaphone are things that are actually holding us back.  Last time I went in 2004 I think I was screaming out "because i am the best employee around, because i am the best employee around, because i am the best employee around…"  Well I got back and within a week I quit my job. I'm not looking to do the same this time, but I am ready for another change and would love to hear what I am screaming into a megaphone about and hopefully make a change there as well.  Eventually I would like my megaphone to be silent…  I would like my life to speak for me, in a way that nobody tries to measure me, or measure up to me.  But in a way that somebody can admire the silence of my megaphone.

Ethan Community, Daily, Feeling, Surprise Me

Because its not only open to just your friends…

I signed up for myspace a few years ago as a way to learn about music.. The times have changed…

A week ago I cancelled my account for many reasons. One most is a waste of time for me. I would rather "connect" with people in person vs. comments and myspace messages. Secondly, Myspace is getting a bit shady. I have seen many news stories about the presence of sexual predators, schools and businesses using myspace as an additional background check, and many other things I consider wrong and don't want to be a part of…

Quite a few of my youth group friends found me on there, I thought it would be a great easy way to communicate what we had planned for the week, quick hellos and such. Which it was until I started to realize the content people put on their pages. I don't need to get into it, but its enough to make me very uncomfortable being a part of it. Another reason is that about 1/3 of my friends were my youth group friends and should somebody come across my page, they may take the reason i have 40+ HS friends on there out of context.

Mark Cuban wrote a great post about his addition to IceRocket.com to help parents track whats going on in MySpace… the space their kids are in.

I heard a story recently of a student who was expelled from school for some "extra curricular" activities that happened at school afterhours on a weekend. Photos were taken and posted on somebody's profile on one of the social networking sites such as myspace.com or facebook.com. The photos are public, perhaps the students forgot that, but served as proof to what happened and was enough to get the student expelled.

I end with a quote from a detective who was on the Dateline I saw.

"As a parent, I dont think I could hire a private investigator to get me more information than these kids are giving away on their pages"

Follow up video of a kids perspective…

Ethan Community, Daily, Surprise Me

My mind races with ideas, thoughts, wonders…  It is an avenue for me to put thoughts out there, get them out of my head to make room to process things that are going on.

Sometimes I have a lot in my head and therefore have a lot to write.  Sometimes not much is going on inside so the posts are few and far between…   The purpose for me writing is strictly for me.  I like those comedians who say they love what they do so much that the show would be the same if the club was empty or if they were in their shower by themselves.  Similar to that, I would write the same if my visitors were in the thousands or if nobody reads it at all…

I love the encouragement I see through comments, discussions, challenges to some of my thoughts, but I struggle with those who are confused as to why I write and why LivingRarefied.com exists.  These are thoughts and for  issues/dilemmas/life problems I go to my family and my core when I need advice or guidance, those are the ones who really know me and I trust.

I don't want this to be thought as being aimed at any one person, I just would like to explain the page I am on with this thing…

Ethan Community, Feeling, Surprise Me

I was just emailed from a fellow leader from Urban YL in Minneapolis that 2 of her Young Life club kids were shot last night.  One did not survive and the other is in very very critical condition.  Please pray for their club, their families, their communities, their spirits and outlook on life.

This is difficult for me… As last night was one of the best YL clubs we have had.  It was the kickoff to a new chapter with an inspired leadership team.  A new staff leader in Andy, music lead by Bjork, John and his sister Lori and me and my sister Alexis.  During our joy and happiness, not too far away, the exact opposite was happening.

Lord, I pray for healing in the student bodies of the schools our younger friends attend. For your love to infuse the halls and busses and gyms and parking lots and athletic fields and the teachers lounges.  For that is where love can begin to flow.

Ethan Daily, Feeling, Surprise Me

I was in Santa Barbara last weekend.  In 2 days I saw 3 homeless people get arrested/approached by police.  One of them involved 8 police cars.  For 1 homeless man.  It broke my heart that because of the fact if it was me that did whatever the homeless man did, which may have been nothing other than existing…  It wouldn't have drawn 8 police cars attention.

Think about this scenario.  A homeless person sleeping on the beach, and a young college student laying on a towel tanning on the beach…

Honestly, who do you think would be asked to move along first?

The answer that just popped in your head is what bothers me.  Because its the same answer that popped in my head…

Ethan Feeling, Surprise Me

Yesterday was a tough day… Waking up to an email on the BlackBerry that a nightly process failed for a new client, having only a 30 second rinse in the shower due to no hot water (too much laundry during the night i think), getting a carpet estimate that was 15% more than expected, to coming home to a messy kitchen, and a garbage can that hadn't been brought in, spending 2 hours laying 20 tiles in the bathroom because the floor is sloped and my brains told me to start on the high side so there are full tiles in the more visible areas. Result: as the mortar was setting the tiles were slipping down about a quarter inch.  So I had to prop some things in place to hold them uphill.

Result of the days events: a strong strong urge to drink.  Stronger than I have felt in a long time.  I guess luckily I have a large guilt complex about not working out lately so I went and vented my frustrations on the bike at the club…

But its interesting that alcohol is generally the first thing you think about when times are tough.

Ethan Daily, Surprise Me

If you give somebody money, let's say somebody who is homeless. Once you have given the money to them, its not yours anymore.

Why do we have such hangups on not giving a beggar money because of what they might go do with it. I came to the conclusion this weekend that once you give, and even before you give, as soon as you commit to give it to somebody, you can no longer dictate where that money will go to. But you can be prayerful with the gift to them, that God will let them use it how He would have them, not how I would have them use it.

We don't know most of the people who ask us for money, so how are we to know what they should use it for?

Ethan Music, Surprise Me