Today marks 1 year of being sober…
Surprisingly, yesterday was the first day in a year where the idea/thought of having a drink didn't enter my head. I couln't really count the 12th as day 1 last year because Saturday night spilled into early Sunday. And because I am a little OCD on being exact on my dates, today is the full day…
While I was in Boulder, their HS Ministries Director asked as a few of us a question he was thinking about in preparing a talk for their church… Forrest asked us what burdens us? What is the biggest burden we carry?
The 3 others each said their families are their biggest burden. I said that I am my biggest burden. It caught him off guard I think. In a life that is blessed beyond understanding, I find myself looking for drama or feeling the need for a burden and so almost instinctively I place a lot of pressure on myself.
I place more pressure on myself than needed around the Young Life ministry. I take it personal when few kids show up or if a kid says they are coming and then cancels last minute. I take it personal when it looks like 1 kid in the room isn't having fun.
I am a huge burden to myself in relationships with girls, potential dating relationships to be specific. The fact that I have never had a serious relationship is the root of why I have such an inner struggle with myself and my level of acceptance or lack of acceptance in that arena.
Financially I am a burden to myself, I spend money on Caribous, a gym membership that is rarely used enough. Also because of things like remodeling my basement I wonder if I am being too selfish with my money? Or am I being smart by investing it in the real estate I have been fortunate enough to acquire.
When thinking about how to heal/solve this… I came up with all sorts of solutions to other burdens. If your family is a burden, work and pray to reconcile the differences and pour unconditional love into the differences and your family members.. Similar process for a friend who may be a burden on you. Work used to be a burden, but then I realized work is about 5th or 6th on my long term importance list. So I quit my job. I still work hard, but I am in an environment that allows work to be work and not anything more or less. But for myself, I can't think of anything else than pray. Its extremely hard for me to just say to myself to get out of the way.
I was searching layout themes last night with a friend and I saw this theme you are looking at today, the new/temporary deisgn to LivingRarefied.com. It looked hilarious to me.. So simple…
But as a laid in bed, I was thinking about the context and how true it is…
Over the last few years I have learned and am learning that I can't give my heart to somebody, whether they ask for it or I just give it to them thinking they want it.
First off it isn't mine to give. I made that decision years ago to give it to Jesus. So I really can't give something I don't have. The problem with that is sometimes the mind works different than the heart. So they forget who owns which.
Secondly, my heart is my connection to God and Jesus. By giving that to another person I unfortunately have redirected my pathway to Jesus through them… So as soon as something happens to them, something has happened to my pathway and also to my faith (as part of it was rooted in them).
My solution is that I open my heart to somebody to allow them to see it, be near it, fall in love with it. But knowing it isn't mine to give them, to be open to sharing it with them and its owner… God… This is where my honesty experiments will shine and allow myself to be more transparent into my heart for others to see.
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I was sitting at First Presbyterian in Boulder Colorado and communion was served today. The pastor requested we all wait to eat the bread until all in the church have received their piece. This was done to eat in unity as the body of Christ. A great idea!
I let my mind wander a little, sometimes I keep the leash on and only let it go so far. Today I took the leash off.
Thoughts of my philosophy class back in college came back. Dealing with sample sizes and all that jazz. If the world population were to double over night, the body of Christ would double right? Each of those newborns fall into the same category as I do, my Father sent his son Jesus to die so that we may live.
Now what if all in the world disappeared tonight and I land back in Minnesota as the only one on earth. (I flew and landed the plane)
I would be the body of Christ on earth. Just as it was in the beginning with Adam.
In relation to my last entry I am wrestling with ideas that I am not just a number. I am not one in a billion. I am one of one. I am His Joy.
I fear that in the phrase "we are the body" we settle in to being content to be hair, or belly button fuzz. I fear that we say the pastors and missionaries will be the feet and hands. Its all good cause we are part of the body. And there are parts that don't have to do anything. That's not a very ideal body if the majority of people think that. I am beginning to experience the importance of me in this world, not in an egotistical way of a T-shirt I designed that says "every woman deserves a guy like me". But in a way that God is revealing to me through relationships both successful and failed alike. The importance of me being right in my own eyes and in my own eyes only. As if I were the only one left to represent the body of Christ.
I am trying to break the mold of me thinking that God did all he did for us, and move towards the fact he did it for me. Not in a selfish way, but in a way I will feel it and not just be a part of it.
A hard bite of reality is that when the day comes where I am stripped of evething here I love, where will I stand? Naked and alone and empty handed and down on myself and embarrassed to be naked, or naked and alone and empty handed and thrilled that Jesus is there with open arms for me.
In relationships, I can only be me. I can only be the me I was made to be. I need to be who I am, cause if I am who I aint , I aint who I am. Somebody will come my way that can accept and walk with me as I am. Regardless of timing, where I am in life, where they are in life, where God has each of is in life.
Its a hard place for me, to yearn for a close and intimate relationship here on earth, yet above that is my growing in Christ and bringing His kingdom to everyone I meet. But knowing and yearning to have that be the core of the relationship.
2 become one… That's what I want. Not 2 + some changes become one. Which is what I always feel is what is expected even though I resist because it prevents me from being me.
I'm sitting here in the Denver airport listening to music. Crowder is playing and I am getting teary eyed thinking about the words "letting myself go". And "you are my joy!" being repeated over and over. Imagining God screaming it out to me louder than I can scream it to him!
This song used to only give me the chills. Now its tears…
I am reading "running on empty" about solitude and I am in solitude by the baggage claim due to NWA being late as usual.
My senses are a little fired up now. In my stillness he will heal and continue to scream out "Ethan, you are my joy and always have and always will be!!"
That's all a guy needs right now.
Here's something to jot down in your notebooks about me…
Don't ever think about overpromising me and underdelivering! That's one of the hardest things for me to grasp about people.. Just be honest! If you can't do something, tell me. If you can't get it done on time, tell me. If you aren't sure, tell me you aren't sure and I won't rely on you!!!
But don't try to make me happy by saying what you think I want to hear… I actually want to hear the truth! I promise that you can never upset me off by telling me the truth from the get go!
BE HONEST!!!
Ever think about how light always beats darkness? I was thinking about this over the weekend… I was up at Young Life camp in Detroit Lakes, MN and very var removed from city lights and the glow of the Twin Cities. It was pretty dark. But as I walked around I noticed the even in that level of darknes, light always wins…
What happens if you take a flashlight to the darkest corner you can think of… Light reveals what is in that corner and takes over the dark.. This happens every time, no matter the corner or no matter how dark the corner is (ranging from only a little dark to pitch black)
That's probably why nobody has invented a "flashdark" it wouldnt work because you cant shine dark on light.. Light always wins! Dark only can exist when you neglect to allow light into those areas. But as soon as you want to expose that, light wins…
All of this ties back to Ephesians 5. About a year ago I started spending time in Ephesians 5. Verses 15-18 spoke out to me. As a follower of Jesus, and the idea that we are the body of Christ, and then reading these verses, really made me think about my actions. Just like the president of the country or your company, his/her actions reflect the image of the company/country. So mine reflect Jesus. Were my decisions wise or unwise? Was I making the most of every opportunity? Was I foolish? Was I listening to God's will or was my will louder? Was I getting drunk on wine or being filled with the Spirit instead?
Answers… Uniwse more than wise, sometimes, yes, mine, not only on wine but all sort of other booze, not as much as I would like to be…
I saw verse 18 and a picture of me next to it. I wasn't the animal I was in college… But I also wasn't the scared to get in trouble kid I was in high school either… So I started with alcohol, it would be the first thing I would expose to the light. This was a tough thing to do.. I mean drinking is so cool isn't it? I found out I was made to "believe" it was cool.
So for the past 336 days, I have been on a different journey than before. There has been days where it has started to cloud up, started to rain a little and grow a little darker.. But resting in the fact that light always wins and has won every day for the past 336 days gets me to the next day, hoping for it to clear up and eventually knowing that a little light sparks a little more light and soon things will be at their brightest again..
Light wins and is winning…
APPENDIX A: Vaccuum tubes dont count in the light/darkness analogy
A storm came in today, before the
race started…
It was too rainy to run the race.
It was rain like I had never seen before.It was honest rain.It was a rain that I need to seek God about. I need to see where He wants me to
seek shelter.
I am still anxious and excited to take part in the race. I am not sure when this race will happen. I need to seek God for the starting time…
I felt confident in starting the race now, but know and trust that I will be better prepared when the time comes for the race to start…
Yesterday I had a phone conversation with a friend in the morning, it caught me off guard and in the middle of my morning grind at work. We hadn't chatted in awhile so I wanted to chat, but at the same time I didn't because I had a ton of items on my plate.
My attitude came off as "i dont care about you right now" Instead of going the easy route and more polite route of asking if I can call back a few hours later when I am not so busy, I remained on the line giving one-line answers, not asking questions and asking myself when will I be off the phone…
This stirred in my head all day, it wasn't at the front, but close enough that it constantly bothered me…
I almost went to sleep without resolving it, but I broke down my stubborness and called with a simple apology, that my attitude didn't reflect my views of my friend, but rather I should've asked to call back at a better time. Nothing huge, but admitting I was wrong. That was the hard part.
THe next event that happened was very strange. My mind/mood took a turn and felt as if I had just been lifted off the beach on a running parasail start. Once the boat hits its speed it is a quick reverse parabolic move up to the peak… It was a great feeling, almost wanting to call the person back thanking them… But alas, it was time for be for both of us…
I have come to the conclusion that I need a life intern. Somebody to handle the small stuff, Home Depot runs for contractor bags, grocery store runs for burgers and brats, or to get buns when I forget. To do my laundry that gets behind schedule and piles up. And all sorts of other areas that I need help with. And more than that, somebody to be at my side and encourage and keep my spirits up and just have a smile on their face because they are with me.
I could combine this job description with the other responsibilities I am looking for in a "Life Caddy"
My caddy would be responsible for second guessing each move to make sure I do things right, maybe look at things from a different angle. Tell me to play it safe when I want to go for it, maybe give me the encouragement to go for it when I choose to play it safe.
So if there is anybody out there in school still or out of school and looking for a great resume builder and a great experience helping me through life, I will be accepting resumes at ethan@livingrarefied.com. I can promise you will have grown in your character after spending some time working with me. It is more of a partnership and not a situation where you are working "for" me, but rather with me.
Requirements:
Benefits:
I do realize you may be laughing right now, but I do see this as a serious matter and a journey I am willing to pursue should there be interest on your end.
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