Living Rarefied

I shared a meal with a friend.. This person is more than a friend to me. An integral part of who I am, and where I am today…

A few months ago I was struggling with some things and always went to this person for prayer, guidance, comfort. Shortly after as I processed some things, I decided to become a little more exclusive with my time. I was giving and giving and giving, and then I gave some more. I felt nothing in return. I know Jesus gave and gave and gave and didn't recieve nearly as much as he gave, but I feel I need affirmation that my gifts are accepted and appreciated. I wasn't getting it.

I was "the planner", the guy to go to when you wanted to know what was going on. I was in the middle of everything. Organizing trips to the Rodeo, Lutsen, T-Wolves games, BBQ's, the whole deal. I came to a turning point where I made some conclusions… I was trending towards becomming known as Ethan the planner vs. Ethan the Giver, or Ethan the Accepter. You name it, anything else would have been great, anything that gives weight to my character.

I made a conscious effort to "retire" or take a sabattical from being the planning guy and I quickly found out from a few people what I meant in their lives. I would get guilt-tripped by them because "all of the sudden I don't want to hang out anymore" I just wanted to scream at their face, if it means anything to you, friendships work both ways!!

I know it is a dicey deal to do, people will feel neglected, maybe moreso than I did. But my point is that my true friends have perservered, they have called to hang out, they have risen up. They have made efforts to be with me, they haven't razzed me about not being the planner anymore, they joke, but quickly after a serious glare from me, they are accepting.

Now back to my friend who I shared a meal with and sparked these thoughts I write today. In my process of being exclusive.. Spending time with a few and making sure it isn't shallow crap that goes on all over.. I have neglected a few, gone too far to the other side of trying to not spread myself too thin. To those who seek me out and I have still been distant, I apologize.

To my meal sharing friend, I also apologize… You have been there on call whenever I needed you. I have been on a good run lately, and unfortunately that has inversely affected us. But true friends have the guts and the strength to call somebody out on something. That's what I want in a friendship. Somebody who cares, cares enough to make things akward for a few minutes, knowing they will only get stronger.

Ethan Feeling