Living Rarefied

Today I am reminded of my week in El Salvador for many reasons. I was able to see Jose and Monica from World Vision on Sunday at a BBQ before church.
I remembered the week of El Salvador, how amazing the community was who traveled with me. I remembered the kids laughing, playing with bubbles, crowding around a
Polaroid camera, the father at the site I worked at, how hard he was working and how proud he was to help build the house that will put a roof over his family.

That week was filled with emotions.. Good and bad. It was really the first time I had been bombarded with all sorts of emotions pushing and pulling each other.
Not everything was in sync.

• I felt happiness when I was with the kids and they were smiling and laughing from the simplicity of seeing themselves in a Polaroid photo.
• I felt frustrations because I got sick from the food and couldn't keep things in my system. Frustration because I wanted to work hard, play hard with the kids
  and my body kept me from participating at 100%.
• I felt guilt because of my life back here, living it up, gathering possesions and trying to find ways to be happy yet
  I was not. Every road I turned to shortly dried up of opportunity.
• I felt sad that I would leave our friends from El Salvador and would return to life as normal.
• I felt selfish that I got to go on the trip.
• I felt joy in seeing friendships grow and finding new ones sprout up.
• I felt small in the world I live in daily. Not knowing the extent of life in other areas of the world. Especially in the part of the world where Manuel Amadeo Rodriguez lives.

The list can go on and on…

This last month I have been sick, physically, with a cold/sore-throat/allergies/headaches… I have been struggling with some close relationships,
struggling with sleep and time management…

Because I have been sick, I have been on a good amount of OTC drugs. Sudafed Cold & Sinus, Drixoral Cold & Sinus, Claritin, NyQuil,
you name it, there is probably some in me. All the medicine has put me in the middle somewhere, not feeling 100%, but not feeling 0%. Just kind of numb. This month I have been numb from
the medicine but have realized I have slowly been numbing more and more since last August. So I have been going through my days not truly knowing if i am hurting or if I am having a great day.
There are good days and bad days but they are measured from my mind, not my heart. My mind can easily lie to myself and others.

I do think I am having great days. I believe I am in a
good spot now. The stress I used to carry has almost dried up, and I am making a conscious effort not to pick up any more. I'm an optimist, which is great but can sometimes hurt because I
end up lying to myself about how I am doing.

I want to feel again.

Ethan Surprise Me, testing