Living Rarefied

Ok, so I was going to write a story about loving others.. It is truly hands down the most rarefied moment I have ever witnessed, even though it only lasted about 4 seconds. Probably a good thing, something this amazing might overload the senses if seen for too long.

But first I have to write something about loving yourself. I had this idea about a year ago to start writing my thoughts down on paper. Well, reading the Erwin McManus book and how it made me drop the book and start writing may have something to do with it too. So my idea was to jot down my thoughts about love. Every angle I could find on the deal. Then somehow fit them together in some fashion and have a foolproof solution to any question you could ask about love. Right. Like I could figure that out.

This idea was dug up again this last fall during one of my frequent visits with an amazing guy from the Upper Room. While unemployed, I got a chance to get coffee, lunch with him every other week or so. I am actually thinking of becoming unemployed again so I can have more time to hang with him. But we started talking about love, I told him the story I was talking about above. He challenged me back and said he thinks we need to learn how to fully love ourselves before we can journey out to share the love.

That was tough to hear cause I had this sure-fire idea that I wanted to test out. But in reality, he was right. Loving others unconditionally is one of the hardest things to do. I was thinking, can't be harder than the Microsoft SQL Server Certification test that I failed before I passed, can't be harder than a BS in Computer Science from the good ol' U of M. I was wrong. Loving others unconditionally is also saying you are going to trust others unconditionally. Can you trust yourself unconditionally?

I have been forced to ask myself, 2 years from now, 10 years from now, 30 years from now where do I want to be? I have ideas, we all do, we want better jobs, families, maybe nicer houses, cars, other luxuries from financial security just to name a few things I would like to see in myself down the road. Now what if and this is a scary what if? What if I lose all the things I have been blessed with? What if I become one day I wake up stupid, or am in an accident where I cannot work to feed the other needs or wants I have? What if the world turns against me? What is going to be my response? Where will I be? What will I be like to hang out with? Will I be fun to hang out with?

The images I have for myself down the road are pretty narcissistic. We can all find a way to gain some love for ourselves in a narcissistic way. Why do you think I have an iPod 30gb and an iPod Shuffle? Why do we buy clothes/shoes we'll wear once? I could go on for hours and maybe even days about reasons to make myself think I am more lovable. But the cool thing to think about Narcissis, is that he saw how beautiful he was when he saw his reflection in the water. Now in order to see your reflection in water it has to be calm right? What or should I say how do you see yourself when the waters start to ripple and eventually become rough and stormy? All those images of yourself in a narcissistic way are gone. You can't see them at all, they are lost, broken in the waves.

If we are standing there with nothing. No clothes, no friends, no house, stripped down of everything but your body and soul, where are we at? How will we respond? In a perfect world, we can say now that we will stand with our chins up and move on. But will it be that easy? Do we wait until the time comes to start thinking about how to react.

I fall back on my own words too often. I talk about saving up my money, investing, planning for the future, yet it seems like I put that on hold too often for something to help me love me where I am at.
My goals for the week are to write down things about me that I know will be there with me to the end regardless of what happens to me. It will be interesting to see. Perhaps if they aren't that embarassing, I can post them in a few blogs..

In the great words of a famed movie character…

"peace out"

-Kip Dynamite

Ethan testing