Living Rarefied

Given the season, I can't think of why I didn't link the 2 ideas up.

In terms of giving things up/losing control and it currently being Lent. I am confused and need to do some research on the whole "giving it up for Lent" history. But if my inclinations are right in that the instant I give something up, there is something else ready to fill that need?

Say I was a smoker, and I gave it up for Lent. Would I not feel a need/fix to satisfy that hole somehow? Maybe I go get some Skoal to get my tobacco fix, which is ok right, since it isn't smoking? So if I am giving it up for only a short while what is the good in that.

Now I know this doesn't apply for everything. But for those people I hear giving up things for Lent that they say are bad for them. What's the point in only giving it up for Lent and not for good? Or at least making an effort to give it up for good…

I think the premise of the whole deal is sacrifice. Kind of like fasting. It isn't so much that you aren't doing, consuming that which you have given up, but it is the training of sacrifice.

So why give up something small every year? Why not take it the whole ten yards and build upon areas where God is working in our lives? I wish I had thought of this awhile ago, at least more than 1 week before the day in which "He has risen".

I guess as quickly as an idea pops in my head, my good friend Mr. Google helps me out with a numero uno search result. It is a short and concise answer to my earlier question. I searched, 'Lent giving up'. I still think we can challenge and grow from a time where we are already pinpointed into a direction of sacrifice to make more room for God to do His work in us.

Ethan testing

We’ve all heard the message, we’re all trying to fill this void in our hearts with earthly things…
I agree 100% with that. I will be the first to admit that, come to my house, read some previous posts, you will quickly see that I chase satisfaction/fulfillment in earthly items. Computers being my biggest vice. Kip says it best in his wedding song in Napoleon Dynamite. “Yes I love technology, but not as much as you you see, but I still love technology… Always and forever… Always and forever…”

So each of us has things that get the best of us and we try to fill that void with it. Clothes, cars, friends, sex, alcohol, smokes, sports, gadgets, I mean the list can go on forever.
This weekend I went computer shopping, not for me. But because of my knowledge, I am constantly being asked to help computer shop, or suggest a specific setup based on somebody’s needs. In addition to a computer, the friend also wanted to shop for an iPod Mini. So there immediately I am in the middle of a shopping spree involving my 2 weakest weaknesses. I didnt buy anything!! But my point is if I make a conscious effort to never buy another electonic item at Best Buy or the Apple Store again, is that enough to stop me from attempting to fill my heart with something other than Jesus???

I dont think so. Regardless of what it is, that need/void still wants and needs to be filled with something, where I may try to control my technology urges, something else is going to try and fill that void. Until I fill it with something that will keep it filled, and leave no room for other failing attempts for fulfillment.

I’m in a whirlwind of thoughts about this now because I have tried to cut off more than one area at once to stop pouring into this abyss of a bucket of earthly items that have minute levels of satisfaction. There’s awlays something else that will want to get in there. In my language, say a new virus is detected by Microsoft. They want to stop it, so they release a patch to solve the problem, but the hackers are always a step ahead and will release a new virus as soon as people are getting the patch for the first virus. Now, you can argue that this creates a better product, which it does, but I argue back that it isnt instantly a better product because of 1 patch. So as soon as I quit buying a gadget every month with my extra cash, there will be something else. For example, a new idea for me was to look at a new car! That’s a little more painful on the wallet than an iPod Shuffle.

There’s no good computer analagy for the next piece so I will spare you the pain of entering my world. But all of the “patches” are great for us, they will help us become more aware of our purpose. They will bring you short term gains, I have a little extra cash that I can save/invest/donate vs. spending. I can gain strength in not being so selfish with my blessings. I have given up some other things as well that have allowed me to be focused and have a clear mind about other things in my life that I have been pouring eith money or effort into, just to try and fill a void that we all have in our hearts.

Those temptations that will come at me will not stop or slow until I make a conscious effort to fully hand over my life to God. Until I give everything to Him. I have committed my life to Him, but I see in my life everyday, things I have said, “You can’t have this, this is mine to enjoy.” Or that I feel I have given so much that I “deserve” to keep some things. Those are the things I need to let go of and let Him take care of, especially those I make a conscious effort to keep in my control.

My Next Step is to…

In the words of Eminem, (never thought I would quote him in this blog)
“Just lose it agh agh agh agh agh!!”

Lose control. And I think I will be driving straighter than ever!

Ethan testing

One thing I thought about last night I think will help me in starting to fully love and accept myself. The things in your life that you put weight into, friends, community, jobs, and others. Are they building you up? Or are they propping you up, only to allow you to fall later on when you lose it?

I had a conversation with a friend through email that revealed to me that our relationship was a of the permanent construction type. We may be friends forever (I hope) , we may part ways in the future (I hope not), other elements may change that I can’t even think of now, but the important thing I realized is that every positive part of our friendship will be going with me. It was not loaned to me, it wasn’t something that I needed to go back to the source for patch up work. I do go back to the source often for additions though. Of course, I can’t say 100% of our friendship will stay with me, that is pretty selfish. But I would miss that person dearly, but I won’t fall over not knowing how to handle life.

Its given me a new look at things to see if I am just proping people up or am I really helping build their character and will they be fine without me? I hope that is the case. My next question, if you are proping yourself up with a friend, is that really a friend? I would hope that my friends aren’t just fillling me with hot air to make me feel better when I am down, or hurt. On the flip-side to that, I would hope that my friends don’t think I am filling them up with hot air to make them feel better for a short period of time. I want to strive to be as genuine as I can be…

This was a short one. Crazy story from a year ago, tomorrow!!!

Ethan testing

Ok, so I was going to write a story about loving others.. It is truly hands down the most rarefied moment I have ever witnessed, even though it only lasted about 4 seconds. Probably a good thing, something this amazing might overload the senses if seen for too long.

But first I have to write something about loving yourself. I had this idea about a year ago to start writing my thoughts down on paper. Well, reading the Erwin McManus book and how it made me drop the book and start writing may have something to do with it too. So my idea was to jot down my thoughts about love. Every angle I could find on the deal. Then somehow fit them together in some fashion and have a foolproof solution to any question you could ask about love. Right. Like I could figure that out.

This idea was dug up again this last fall during one of my frequent visits with an amazing guy from the Upper Room. While unemployed, I got a chance to get coffee, lunch with him every other week or so. I am actually thinking of becoming unemployed again so I can have more time to hang with him. But we started talking about love, I told him the story I was talking about above. He challenged me back and said he thinks we need to learn how to fully love ourselves before we can journey out to share the love.

That was tough to hear cause I had this sure-fire idea that I wanted to test out. But in reality, he was right. Loving others unconditionally is one of the hardest things to do. I was thinking, can't be harder than the Microsoft SQL Server Certification test that I failed before I passed, can't be harder than a BS in Computer Science from the good ol' U of M. I was wrong. Loving others unconditionally is also saying you are going to trust others unconditionally. Can you trust yourself unconditionally?

I have been forced to ask myself, 2 years from now, 10 years from now, 30 years from now where do I want to be? I have ideas, we all do, we want better jobs, families, maybe nicer houses, cars, other luxuries from financial security just to name a few things I would like to see in myself down the road. Now what if and this is a scary what if? What if I lose all the things I have been blessed with? What if I become one day I wake up stupid, or am in an accident where I cannot work to feed the other needs or wants I have? What if the world turns against me? What is going to be my response? Where will I be? What will I be like to hang out with? Will I be fun to hang out with?

The images I have for myself down the road are pretty narcissistic. We can all find a way to gain some love for ourselves in a narcissistic way. Why do you think I have an iPod 30gb and an iPod Shuffle? Why do we buy clothes/shoes we'll wear once? I could go on for hours and maybe even days about reasons to make myself think I am more lovable. But the cool thing to think about Narcissis, is that he saw how beautiful he was when he saw his reflection in the water. Now in order to see your reflection in water it has to be calm right? What or should I say how do you see yourself when the waters start to ripple and eventually become rough and stormy? All those images of yourself in a narcissistic way are gone. You can't see them at all, they are lost, broken in the waves.

If we are standing there with nothing. No clothes, no friends, no house, stripped down of everything but your body and soul, where are we at? How will we respond? In a perfect world, we can say now that we will stand with our chins up and move on. But will it be that easy? Do we wait until the time comes to start thinking about how to react.

I fall back on my own words too often. I talk about saving up my money, investing, planning for the future, yet it seems like I put that on hold too often for something to help me love me where I am at.
My goals for the week are to write down things about me that I know will be there with me to the end regardless of what happens to me. It will be interesting to see. Perhaps if they aren't that embarassing, I can post them in a few blogs..

In the great words of a famed movie character…

"peace out"

-Kip Dynamite

Ethan testing